Text 29 Sep 3 notes Feel the way I feel

We have fought everyday this week.  EVERY.  I don’t understand it.  Well I do… it usually starts with me telling her that she doesn’t listen to me then she flips out.  So today, I asked her that if she is listening, what signs should I look for to let me know that you are listening?  She told me that if she replies instead of responds.  

What’s the difference???

Replies is when she includes me in the conversation, asking me a question to my question and responds is just a one word answer. 

The problem???

All I’m looking for is what she calls a response, and when she “replies” (asks me a question to my question) I think she’s saying, “it doesn’t matter what you just asked me, answer mine first.”

It’s so frustrating!!

She makes me so angry because I feel so alone and neglected and I feel like I’m constantly bending to her.  Sometimes, I just want to make her cry the way she makes me cry, or hurt the way she makes me hurt.  Sometimes I want to see her break down and come so close to the edge that her entire body literally is in pain.  But another part of me takes a certain kind of pride in knowing that I don’t do that to her, knowing that she doesn’t cut, or get put in physical pain, or want to kill herself… it makes me think that I love her that much more. 

I’m going to try to read these signals… that just means that I (again) have to bend and look, while she remains unchanged and convinced that I accuse her of everything.  

I think half of why she feels that I accuse her of EVERYTHING is because she is an only child.  I grew up with siblings, so being accused of anything wasn’t anything new, in fact, it was normal.  We learned to prove our way out of it, or fess up to it.  She wasn’t accused of much as a child, it was just always her, or never her, easy enough.  She didn’t grow on communication like I did because other than her cousin she didn’t have children around her 24/7.  

Is there any fact in that?  Can anyone else relate to that?  I can tell her a billion times that all I need from her is to cuddle, that’s it.  What does she do? She keeps on and on with the argument, then gets on me because she says things to end it and I keep going, but she does the same thing.

"When it’s going good it’s going great… but when it’s bad it’s awful."

??

Text 27 Sep I think…

… what bugged me the most about last night was her saying, “it doesn’t matter.”  From that point on, it’s hard to talk to someone when you know something so simple doesn’t matter… it really makes you not want to talk about your day or just some of the simplest things that go on.  It makes a lot of who you are as a person feel unimportant and like you have no value to that person.  I know I have value, at work, to my family, and to the friends that I still talk to, but to her… I feel as if I don’t have any.  

She left me a note on the kitchen counter today that said, “You said you wanted help around the house, I listened.”

Yes she did, she did listen, and I applaud her for that.  I just find it ironic that she chooses to sort of throw that in my face.  You can have the entire house clean, but if you tell me that my question, “doesn’t matter,” then a sparkling, clean house is going to be the most depressing, sparking, clean house.  It’s nice to come home and not have to do dishes, but what’s the point if I can’t talk to the girl that I love so deeply?

Link 27 Sep 51 notes LGBT OUTreach: What if that was me?»

myhopesandexpectations:

What if that was me?

What if?
You felt your fists clench, your heart wrench every time you heard, “That test was so straight”
What if?
Your youth was filled with cynicism and shame, instead of innocence
What if?
Your male friend couldn’t show affection for a…

(Source: merrystillgoesround)

Text 27 Sep Something so simple…

I’m not really sure I know what this means anymore.  Right now, I’m in the bed that we share and she’s in the living room, I’m not sure if she’s watching music videos or playing a game… at any rate… she’s not in here with me.  I want her in here with me, but I know she won’t listen to me.  I’m going to have to repeat myself several times and when I ask a question, she won’t answer me, just give me a bunch of useless info.  

Does anyone else’s girlfriend do this?  

Her and I are very different, and though she doesn’t cook very much, she agreed to help me make a meal today.  It was simple and nothing big, nothing that should have started a fight at least.  I asked her why she likes the dish.  She smacks her lips and doesn’t look at me at all.  Then she talks about how people can eat what they want and it’s not unusual to like something like that.  

So.. why do you like it again?  Did I honestly miss something?  Why couldn’t she just tell me why she likes the dish.  I asked her two more times and after giving me information about how it’s whatever, it’s just food, this plate is going to be hard to clean and she’s surprised it even came out right. I look down and shut down and when I ask her if she was listening she gets mad.  I asked her to repeat the question back to me and she couldn’t… she just stuttered over her words and said it doesn’t matter, it’s just food.  She doesn’t understand why I’m depressed… in fact, she doesn’t think I’m even depressed, she said that I shouldn’t be mad.  

Mad??

I wasn’t even mad… I was depressed and my loneliness set in again.  Why can’t she just listen to me, even about something as little as food?  If you won’t listen to me about the little things, how can I trust you will listen to me about the big things?  We get into a huge fight about it, and eventually we part ways while I’m left crying and she goes into the living room.  

I cut tonight… for a moment it felt good, it felt right, and it felt like I had some type of control.  I wanted to cut myself so deep and see blood come out so I could drip it down the drain.  It would feel like I was draining all the gunk out of me.  Maybe if I cleaned up she would listen to me, perhaps even look at me other than when she wanted to fuss me out.  I couldn’t bring myself to cut that deep though.. the key wasn’t sharp enough.

What hurts right now is two of her friends are over and they are joking and playing around in the bedroom.  She’s gone in there and joked around and talked with them… about what I don’t know, I can’t hear that far down the hall.  She has friends to talk to and play around with, she can go to someone and vent and tell about what’s going on… I don’t have anyone.  When I moved in with her, I left all that behind.  I don’t see any of my family or my friends anymore.  I would call, I could really use my mom, but she won’t give me advice about problems with my girlfriend… my dad and her don’t approve.  

As much as I want her to come in here right now and just hold me, I know it won’t fix anything… it won’t make any of our communication problems better, and tomorrow morning, it’ll all go back to normal.  She expects me to go out there and talk to her, when I tried and she wouldn’t listen… why, how… does that even work??

At this point I don’t know what to do, and I don’t see talking as a solution, but she seems to be content with being separate.  Honestly, I never knew someone could feel so alone and be in a relationship.  I think I’m going to go get a late night snack and call it a night.  Thank you for reading and if you have any helpful words, please let me know.  

Goodnight 

Text 26 Sep 2 notes I’m a lesbian who has a gf, but…

I’m lonely.  She doesn’t listen to me and this is where I’m going to come and hopefully find some answers to our daily grind.  You won’t know my name and you won’t know what I look like.  I’ll give very little about me personally other than what is relevant to the situation I’m telling you.  I ask that you don’t post hate responses or talk about how you don’t approve of our lifestyle, I’m not looking for that.  I need people or someone who will listen to me, offer advice and give me some peace of mind in my daily life, this is all that i ask. 

I think I should start off by telling you a little about myself, about some thingsthat I think are relevant:

1. I cut (no one knows but myself, and whoever reads this)

2. I came out to my family this year and I just recently moved in with my girlfriend.

3. I tell her that she’s not listening so there is no point in my talking, then she says to let her know when I’m ready to talk.

4. She’s passive aggressive

5. I’m very in your face, except when it comes to her about this.

6. We’ve never cheated on one another

7. She is surrounded by her own friends, and I have no one.

8. She gets mad when I hang out with people without her.

9. She love alcohol

10. When she’s asked a question she gives a bunch of information that doesn’t answer the question.

Those are just some things that might be a little helpful in understand myself and her, perhaps maybe you can identify.  


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